A Connection that Continues to Change Me

Keisha Morris

It happened in the most unexpected place, at a time when uncertainty ruled and the path forward was unclear. It was someone I was familiar with but had yet to know at the level and to the depth that I was about to encounter.

My husband had recently passed and honestly, I didn’t know what to do. I had done all the things to answer the text messages and calls, prepare for the funeral, and comfort those who had intended on comforting me. I had said all the right things and had tried to flip the switch from married to single… like it was that easy. I thought I was doing all right. I handled the business. I smiled when they said his name. I reminisced and laughed with others. His memory deserved to be honored. HE deserved to be honored. I did my BEST to make sure he was honored.

But then… I was alone. No more text messages, no more things to check off the To Do list and only moments of quiet reminiscing and laughter. I learned to retreat into my closet because that was (and still in) the safest place for me. The world was too scary, and overwhelming to navigate without him. I don’t want to give the impression that I was totally dependent on him… I wasn’t. I considered myself independently dependent. But we spent almost 13 years doing everything together. It was rare to not see us together other than for work. Yet here I found myself in the only place in the house that didn’t remind me of him. My closet is my designated space for me and the Lord. Some would call this my prayer closet. Yes, of sorts… but it has become far more than that. It is my place of safety, of peace, of escape, of learning, clarity, and rest. It is my sacred place.

There was one day when I just couldn’t carry the grief, the pain, the uncertainty, the anger, and the loneliness anymore. It was just too much. My husband was the ONE person I could count on. The ONE person who understood me. The ONE person who loved me. The ONLY person I had no matter what. I cried out into the darkness and said… I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone anymore. I am out here all by myself! I don’t have anyone to protect me. I don’t have anyone to love me. I don’t have anyone. I feel exposed.

In that moment, I experienced God like never before. There was a peace that came into that closet. A sweet peace. The kind you can’t explain and can barely describe. One that was filled with compassion, care, and love. This encounter was different from other encounters with God. I didn’t work for this. I wasn’t perfect for this. I was broken in this. Yet here He was providing the comfort I craved and this kind of peace I didn’t know even existed. I still didn’t have all the answers, but I knew I had someone by my side to walk me through these uncharted waters. That was the start of an evolving friendship.

With every closet encounter, I learned something new. With every encounter, I faced an aspect of myself that served me well in my former life but would not serve me well in my new life. It was not pretty. I was forced into a crash course that I didn’t even know was coming. I had no time to prepare. I had no time to resist. I had no time to say No. The train had already left the station and my travel into the unknown had begun.

I have seen, experienced, and grown much since this journey into the unknown. I still don’t have all the answers. But I have learned much about the Lord and myself. I learned that He leads me by my right hand (Isaiah 41:10). I learned that it takes care of the widowed (Isaiah 54:5). I learned that He is my strong tower and I can always run to Him and be safe (Proverbs 18:10). I’ve learned surrender is a must and trust is its currency.

With every encounter, and with every new lesson… I change and I become. I become the new version of myself for THIS time and for THIS space. I became closer to who I was designed to be.

Keisha Morris is the Leadership & Organizational Develop professional, who has over 20 years of experience designing and leading leadership and culture initiatives that strengthen teams and develop leaders across organizations. Her connection to Great Dames comes through her friendship with Gigi Gaul, who invited her to speak at a Great Dames Talk and share her leadership insights with the Great Dames community.