Discovering My Father’s Untold Stories

What I wish I knew about my father’s upbringing and the legacy he left behind. How well do you know your father?

As father’s day approaches, thoughts turn to my Dad. He passed over fifteen years ago and, as I continue to write about my own parenting journey, there are more questions than ever.

Raised in a small Philadelphia Catholic neighborhood, his parents came to the United States from Italy as teenagers. My dad was proud of the fact that his parents' accent was fairly minimal. Dad did not speak Italian. Did his parents stop speaking it at home?

On the food front, my father would not permit mom to prepare any kind of bean dish for dinner, ever, telling us he had eaten too many beans as a kid. Plus, he hated garlic. What Italian doesn’t like garlic? While engaged to Dad, my mother recalled pasta drying on racks around his mom’s kitchen before Sunday family dinners. My grandmother’s Christmas cookies were known far and wide, but apparently she was very secretive about the recipes.

Why didn’t I ever ask him about these food issues?

There was much scrimping and saving. One of his favorite stories was from his altar boy days. The family was devoted to St. Bridget’s church. Because they lived close by, Dad served as an altar boy frequently from an early age. However, one Sunday, the priest told him to leave in the middle of mass. My father had inherited his brother’s larger-sized shoes, which were making loud, unholy clomping noises on the altar.

Why didn’t I ever ask him, was money that tight? What kind of job did my grandfather have?

As kids, we always want something from our parents. My dad’s job took him to Center City each day and so he was not around much during the week. At dinner, he frequently announced that he talked all day and wanted some “peace and quiet” as he enjoyed his meal. On the weekends, there were four children pleading: take us swimming, pump up our bike tires, check our homework, let’s play a game.

“Aspettt, aspett,” he would say. I didn’t know what that meant, just that he was putting me off. Then we would pester him even more.

It wasn’t until I was watching an Italian movie years later that I heard the word, which prompted me to look it up. He was telling me to wait … wait.

Why didn’t I ever ask him about being a parent, being a father … what did he do for fun when he was a kid?

He was a determined guy, I do know that. Saint Joseph’s College in 1953 never saw a more earnest student. Smart enough to work in the science labs, he earned extra cash. A natural at math, however, he was intent on finding a “creative writing job,” and decided to major in English.

He worked many years in advertising as a creative director, winning a Clio in the humor category. The one thing I thought I knew about my dad was — he wasn’t funny.

Imagine my surprise.

Our college experiences were extremely different. I have played sports my entire life, and Dad never shared my enthusiasm. It was shocking to me when I discovered he didn’t attend even one basketball game as a St. Joe’s HAWK. Unfortunately, he never came to see me play basketball at Villanova. Women athletes were not celebrated as they are today. Dad frequently questioned the time and energy I devoted to sport.

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The language, beans, and garlic were all reminders of a life he wanted to leave. What kind of life was he looking for? Now, I would give anything to know more. It’s a regret that comes with getting older. The silence between generations creates canyons of lost history that we only recognize when it's too late to cross them. There are so many memory prompts. The meals that I cook, the books I read and activities with my family are all influenced by my past. Now my thoughts wander. What would he think of AI? Would he ride in a self-driving Tesla? Would he come to church with me at Trinity Memorial Episcopal?

When I became a parent myself, I began to see my father's actions through an entirely new lens, understanding decisions that once puzzled me. Every family has its ghosts—stories untold and wounds never addressed—that shape us in ways we may never fully comprehend.

The example my father set, both in what he did and didn't do, continues to influence how I navigate my own journey through life.

Do you know your father’s most defining trait? I decided to gather the most famous DADs from the entertainment world and quiz my readers about their most endearing quality.

How do we remember our Dads? This will get you started …

Download the What Kind of Father? quiz and choose the most memorable trait for each of the well-known film and TV dads. Then think about your father’s defining style and let me know in the comments.

What ONE word would you choose for your dad?

My father’s word: Striving

Thanks Dad, I learned from the best. I strive to be a better mom, wife, writer and human every day.

This article is slightly modified from the original published in Medium. Anna Maria DiDio is a best-selling and award-winning children’s and middle grade author. Check out her books and memoir at: amdidio.com. Her latest book is Grace’s Write Time; Family Knots Book ONE.